Dear Benz....

Dear Mercedes Benz Car;

I just wanted to drop you a note to clarify some things.  I think there has been a slight misunderstanding; you seem to think that breaking down and taking all my money is somehow acceptable and funny.  Let me make things perfectly clear to you; it's not.  So last week when you decided to stop shifting into any forward gears and left me stranded outside of Seattle in a Burger King parking lot, that was not interesting or cute.   It was embarrassing, terribly inconvenient, and ended up being very expensive.  And I have to be honest with you, when I went to open the hood and that clever little release in the grille came off in my hand denying me access to the engine bay, I seriously considered the future of our relationship.  I considered it again as I lay face down in the dirt, after slipping while trying to push you up the ramp onto the very expensive tow trailer, you know the one, the one that tows all four wheels because the rental company wouldn't allow a Mercedes on the one that only tows two wheels.  Because you're supposed to be special.  I've got to say that as that long, long day of trailers, towing, getting lost, getting harassed at the border (who would have thought two guys with an empty UHaul towing a Mercedes would be suspicious) I must say I gave serious thought to the words my Dad, Wife, and friends were saying; "Get Rid of that thing and buy something nice and reliable".

In the week that you were gone for repairs I had some time to seriously think.  I had to take transit and drive a loaner car.  I won't go into detail regarding my transit experience only to say anyone who choses this mode of transport is a serious self-loathing masochist.  It's cramped, it's loud, it's hot, and it smells.  And it ain't cheap.  For how much it sucks they should be paying you to ride it.  The loaner car; a pristine 1997 Honda Accord LX.  This is the base 4 cylinder mode with a 5 speed manual, hand-crank windows, and no power locks.  It's a great car and exactly one of those "nice and reliable" cars everyone was talking about.  It's even beige with a well put together beige interior. Let me tell you something Benz, if you weren't in trouble of getting sold before you definitely were when I got behind the wheel of this thing.  The manual shifter is a joy to use, the engine is torquey and peppy, the steering is light at parking lot speeds but precise and communicative when you get going.  Honda knows its engineering and this is one well engineered car with everything you need and nothing you don't.  Sure there's no tilting and wide opening sunroof, sure the rear headrests don't fold down out of view at the touch of a button, yeah you've got to constantly fiddle with the AC because the fan has only four settings and all of them louder and more annoying than the next unlike the Mercedes climate control which silently works in the background to make the cabin utterly comfortable, sure that excellent Honda engine is loud inside the car, like really loud, and not a good sports car engine loud like in the Miata and not a refined hum like in you, but a bad economy car buzzing loud, and what's with all the road noise?  Are the tires made of wood? Constant road noise and shuddering from the chassis over every bump, I felt like going for a hay ride in a buck wagon. You're nearly ten years older and solid and silent and pleasant.  Where was I going with this? Oh yeah; You win.  At the end of the week I was more than happy to pay to have your transmission ECU replaced and reprogrammed.   I didn't look forward to driving the Accord, it's just a very good appliance to get from one place to another. You; you're special.  I guess you can take all my money because you've spoiled me and no other car will do. The Mercedes Benz motto applies: Perfection or Nothing.



Sincerely


Your Self-loathing Masochist Owner